Being a survivor has never been an easy thing. No matter how much time has passed or how strong you think you have become, it takes very little to bring you back to square one of healing and surviving. I don’t just hear this from survivors but I live this every day. It has been almost 18 years since I was drugged and almost murdered. But even today when I have a migraine, stomachache, or any discomfort, I regress back to that single day. Yes, I am a survivor… but sometimes the strength I gain from those words…even that isn’t enough. I am also a human being and have triggers, pain, memories, and moments that will never go away. I still deal with things from child-hood that bring me to shivers and tears at times, and yet, I acknowledge each and every moment and that is what makes me a survivor.
Most recently, I decided enough of suffering in silence and went to a medical place that could hopefully help me with some of my struggles. I was not going to let the lack of insurance stop me anymore…besides, it was already budgeted and accounted for (I do plan to sign up this month since November is open enrollment and hopefully without any guilt). I have finally come to a place where I realize that I truly love life and if I am going to help others, I have to love, embrace and take care of myself as much as I take care of others. If I truly want to live to be 105 and have a solid legacy, this needs to be the first step. But as you will see, even doing the right thing and taking care of myself can initiate a multitude of triggers that make healing almost impossible.
After finally going to this medical place (for help of course), his recommendation to me was that I needed several medications…trigger one. He said, the medication might cause me to gain weight at first…trigger two. He said, start eating and stop starving myself… trigger three. He said, I had to do all this prior to getting help with my eating disorder… trigger four. After all this so called “help” from this medical place, all I could do was sit in the car and cry. What was I supposed to do. Take the medication that was supposed to help even though there was a chance it would only lead to other issues? I finally decided to move forward and go to the pharmacy. Unfortunately, when I got to the pharmacy, trigger five. I watched them fill my prescriptions as I shook-shivered in wonder and fear that the pharmacist would give me something that would make me feel the same as 4/4/02 (my survival day)…trigger six. I spent the next 24 hours spinning. I could not sleep looking at the bottles, reading the side effects, and wondering what to do. How could anyone else ever understand the feelings I was having? And then the worst feeling of all…should I tell anyone or should I suffer in silence as some would be too judgmental…trigger seven. Trigger after trigger, I pushed myself forward to deal with the things that I have to deal with. Triggers come and go, but my life must go on. Triggered but not silenced, no more.
If this can help one other person… I must keep my promise and share it.
Some tell me I share too much, and yet others tell me I should share more. I cannot win, so I am going to just be me in all my glory. I am imperfect and flawed! Trying my best to also help many more with the triggers to heal and thrive.
Many times, I am afraid to eat in front of others. Many times, I will not even take a drink from someone. Many times, I will avoid my personal life out of fear that I will be harmed, hurt or killed. Many times, I put myself last on the list for happiness.
This ends today…. it is way overdue!
I am a child of God. I am a Woman. I am a Mother. I am a Grandmother. I am a Friend. I am a Survivor. I am a Leader. I am Enough. I am Worthy. I am a Human Being. I am Loved. I am Working on Life Triggers and Moments.
Take it from me, we all have something that we are dealing with and I am no different. I struggle with medications, saran wrap, gyms, food, self-worth and well, a lot more. We all have our own daemons, battles and struggles to work though and we all have the ability to win.
Put the mask on yourself first, self-care is a priority to be a voice for the voiceless.
PS: I did take the medications for four days, however the severe triggers that it caused along with the noted side effects way out weighed what my blood work shows, so I stopped taking all the medications and will find alternatives to coping, healing and living the best life I have. Agree to disagree with all respect… but this time it is my choice and I am choosing wisely! I feel much better not taking it… no more medications, no more triggers!
With Faith, there is Hope…
Will you help me help Crime Survivors?
Awareness. Prevention. Advocacy. Healing.